


Bang-bang cul-cul : the slash fiction generator

by Dupond_et_Dupont, Saturne



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody, Random - Freeform, Slash, Yaoi, bang-bang cul-cul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 17:14:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4271400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dupond_et_Dupont/pseuds/Dupond_et_Dupont, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saturne/pseuds/Saturne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You always wanted to write a fic with juicy smut but couldn't go through with it? You're tired of having to THINK in order to write? This slash fanfiction generator is made for you!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bang-bang cul-cul : the slash fiction generator

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Bang-bang cul-cul : le générateur de fanfiction slash](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094252) by [Dupond_et_Dupont](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dupond_et_Dupont/pseuds/Dupond_et_Dupont). 



> Warning: Explicit content
> 
> Disclaimer: Harry Potter's universe belongs to JKR, and I'm not sure she'd agree with what I'm doing. Did you know she accepted fanfictions only if it wasn't pornographic? Her life's failure. And for most of the ideas you'll find in this generator, Saturne and Kedralyn helped me gather and most of it really exist in real fanfictions. I swear. And even worse.

You always wanted to write a fic with juicy smut but couldn't go through with it? You're tired of having to _think_ in order to write? This slash fanfiction generator is made for you! You'll need a 20 faces dice (or its virtual equivalent on the internet) and then all the reviews will be yours!

Of course, since everyting is random, you'll have to arrange a bit so it will be coherent and look like a real fanfiction. Or don't bother, we've seen worse, after all.

 

To start with, you'll need two handsome males. Good thing there are many young men in Harry Potter (the books, not the character) and some other less young too. Throw two dices, and you get your pairing. And no cheating! But well yeah, if you get the same number twice, you can throw again. Unless you have a twisted mind and want to write a story about your character going back in time to sleep with himself, but then you're a hopeless case.

Throw the dices (aka D20 in RPG, easy to find virtual ones online).

 

Characters:

 

1- Harry Potter

2- Draco Malfoy

3- Ron Weasley

4- Neville Longbottom

5- Blaise Zabini

6- Bill Weasley

7- Charlie Weasley

8- The Weasley twins (the both of them, 'cause yeah, they have no individual personality, it is well known, they love to do smutty threesomes)

9- Severus Snape

10- Remus Lupin

11- Sirius Black

12- Peter Pettigrew

13- Lucius Malfoy

14- James Potter

15- Gilderoy Lockhart

16- Voldemort

17- Albus Dumbledore

18- Quirinus Quirell

19- Alstor Moody

20- Rubeus Hagrid

 

There, you got your characters. Now there is one thing to know : will you be loyal to the books canon or will you just do whatever you want and just use your hero's name for it. To OOC or not to OOC? That is the question.

Throw a D20.

1- You perfectly respect the characters personality, even JKR (if she read you fic) would be impressed. Just kidding. But except for the part when your characters end up fucking each other in less than a page, you're doing good.

2 to 5 – Simplify the characters personality to one or two most obvious traits. No need to get all deep and complex, this is not the time.

6 to 11 – Your characters' personality is reversed compared to the books. The evil ones become all sweet and the good ones are so d4444rk!

12 to 16 – Your characters use adooooorable little nicknames for each other. Go wild on the "my baby", "my bunny" or things like "my love". 

17 to 19- One of your characters has in fact been gay for years and banged all Hogwarts, students and teachers alike. Even Filch. Yep.

20- Your characters are suddenly athletic living wetdreams, muscular, shiny skin (or a golden tan, whatever floats your boat), with a ravishing smile. No more glasses, welcome the new sexy haircut. Just describe your fantasy.

 

Now that you have your perfect pairing, let's move on to the triggering factor we need to make them fall in each other's arms. I just give you the idea, you'll have to write it. But honestly, don't bother too much, three lines will be enough!

Throw a 15 faces dice. (and don't you tell me it doesn't exist, or I'll make you draw a triangle with more than 360° angles!)

 

1- One of the protagonists breathes pollen that makes him want to do all kind of naughty things.

2- One of the characters sees the other one fly on a broom: whoa, that's hot.

3- The protagonists are in detention (both in detention or one of them is watching the other). Alone with each other, tongues start to loosen and clothes to fall off…

4- One of the characters drinks a potion that makes him all giddy and makes him jump on his loved one to.... (to... well, to jump him, actually).

5- Your two males get drunk with butterbeer (that shit is strong! At least 2°!) and end up all over one another.

6- It's Hogwart's end of the year ball (we all remember the ball in the books) : last chance for one of your characters to confess his love!

7- Someone plays matchmaker (you're free to choose who that is, this is your moment of glory!)

8- One of the protagonists comes of age, and suddenly his veela origins appear. Exactly what he needed to seduce the one he's been secretly in love with for at least three days!

9 – The protagonists play truth or dare. Don't waste your time and energy with developing psychology with the truth, and go straight to the hot dares that lead to the smut.

10 – Your characters have been in a secret relationship for months now. How did it happen? Honestly, no one cares. We just want sex.

11- The two protagonists bump into each other, their books get all mixed up, they stare at each other, and suddenly they can't hide the passion that has been growing inside them for months.

12- One of your characters is masturbating while thinking about the one he loves, and when he achieve orgasm, he screams his name. That's when the very one walk in and decides to join the party. The other one is happy to start again, not alone this time…

13- Your two protagonists are stuck in a room, without an exit, and with no memories of how they got here. Stuck together for an undertermined amount of time, finally the inevitable happens. No, nobody eats the other, we're in a slash fiction, try to keep it up! So, they screw each other. At the end of the fic, don't forget to explain why they were locked in the first place. Nah, just kidding. Who gives a fuck.

14- Years after they knew each other, the two characters meet again. In a short time they bond and they rekindle the flame of their past passion. (By "a short time", I mean a few minutes. No need no drag it out.)

15- You just want to write a sex scene, honestly, who cares about the plot? Go straight (well, not exactly) (I'm hilarious, say it) to the smut scene.

 

From now on, you need a crime scene. This is a metaphor, there won't be any crime. Unless you want to write a a smutty passion deathfic, but in that case, you're definitely a hopeless case.

Throw a D15.

 

1- A class room. Preferably unlocked, so a random third person can turn up after the climax and catch the couple half naked.

2- Hogwart's kitchen. Always deserted by the House Elves at those moments, one could wonder what the fuck they're doing, with all the money we pay them-. Well, no. But you get the idea.

3- The Forbidden forest. Lecherous eight eyed spiders, libidinous Centaurs, voyeuristic Thestrals, this is very glamour.

4- Quidditch's changing-room. Young handsome muscled males undressing themselves: classic but effective.

5- A Hogwart's corridor. The ideal place, no doubt.

6- The girl's toilets on the second floor. Yep, the very ones haunted by Moaning Myrtle.

7- The Room of Requirement. It turns into a perfect "Chamber of love", with heart-shaped cushions, pink sheets and a petals trail leading to the four-poster bed.

8- The Library, between two shelves. After all, except Hermione, who's gonna waste their time in there?

9- Dumbledore's office. Someone has to entertain the former headmasters' paintings!

10- Gryffindors' dormitory. Or the Slytherins'. Classic but effective. However, no need to even consider the Hufflepuffs' or the Ravenclaws'. Do I really have to explain why?

11- The prefects' bathroom, everyone knows now how to go in there.

12- A cupboard. Narrow enough so the protagonists are all squeezed against each other, but it widens later so they can move more freely. It's Hogwart after all, it's magic!

13- On a animal fur rug. Don't ask me where, it's not very important, just as why is there a rug here.

14- The Room of requirement. It turns into an perfect "Chamber of Sex" with all kind of accessories: velvet bonds, riding crop, and of course the indispensable lubricant.

15- Some unspecified place. Anyway, you won't bother describing it.

 

The smut itself. Here we are. To make it easier, we are going to take A and B. B is the first character you get when you threw the dice, and A is the second one. (Did you see how I'm trying to trap you? Well, you could reverse it, I won't be checking. But you'll feel guilty. I know it.)

There will be several rounds. Throw each time a D4 (a 4 faces dice, you get it) and then place the phrases you got end to end. Try to adapt a bit according to your earlier results.

 

ROUND 1 : « Forplay »

 

1- A pinned B against the wall, eagerly squeezing up his body against his partner's. He already felt through the clothes the hard line of his lover's arousal.

2 – Suddenly, A grabbed B's neck and pulled him close. They kissed savagely, their tongues _battled for dominance_. They pulled away a few minutes later, breathless and blushing hard with passion.

3 – A came closer to B, they were so close! A put his lips against B's and started to nibble it. B moaned and french-kissed him right away.

4 – Forplay? What the fuck is this? Go straight to round 2.

 

ROUND 2 : « And so go the clothes off »

 

1- A stripped off one by one B's clothes, and never stops kissing him fervently. He took the pants off, and beneath it there were boxer shorts distorted by an impressive hard-on.

2- A stripped off B, just leaving the boxer shorts on that revealed so many delicious things.

3- The clothes came off flying and revealed bodies _stunningly beautiful_.

4- A waved his wand, the one made of wood, et then they were both in black and tight boxer shorts, revealing their perfect bodies that fit together perfectly.

 

ROUND 3 : « So that's what it looks like »

 

1- Finally, the last piece of clothes disappeared. His manhood stood up proudly in all it's glory, like the Eiffel tower.

2 - A made disappear the last barrier with a wave of his wand, revealing his partner's turgescent shaft.

3- Using his teeth, A lowered B's boxer shorts, revealing his hard as steel erection. A breathed hard: he really wanted to have a taste.

4- B lowered his boxers shorts and A stared with wonder at the 10 inches of pleasure and his mouth watered. He took off his own underwear that became too tight.

 

ROUND 4 : « The action of using one's oral orifice on the male genitalia »

 

1 – A knelt before B and immediately took him in his mouth and with a in and out movement, faster and faster. B let out little cries of pleasure and A couldn't help touching himself in the same time.

2- A started sucking B, harder and harder, while kneading his butt cheeks.

3- B plunged his moist cock into A's willing mouth, and A immediately started playing with his tongue on his partner's flute.

4- A took B's cock down his throat before licking eagerly and nibble all the length. Mmmh, this is so good, thought B.

 

ROUND 5 : « Okay I see your point but when do we fuck? »

 

1- A inserted a finger into his most private place, and then a second one. B groaned with pain, and then with pleasure when A hit his prostate. He moaned, begging for more.

2 – A slipped a finger inside him, but his love tunnel was pre-lubricated. Desire burned in his groin, he couldn't wait anymore.

3 – A used a lubricant spell (*) and then masturbated B while gently preparing him. His skilful fingers went in and out while B couldn't help moaning out loud.

4- Mhh? Preparation? No no no, this isn't how gay sex works! Skip the Round 5.

 

(*) You know, the spell you learn in the seventh year! JKR said it existed, this isn't my fault if Harry skipped his last year at Hogwart!

 

ROUND 6 : « No seriously, when are we gonna fuck? »

 

1- A penetrated B with his erect spear. "Mmhh, you're so tight…" whispered A. B moaned, giving his consent to go to the next level.

2- A inserted his mighty sword in the flesh sheath and started to go in and out slowly. Then, when B was accustomed to his presence, he quickened his pace, faster and faster, hitting skilfully his sweet spot.

3- A penetrated all at once, and started pounding his ass. B couldn't stop shouting his pleasure.

4- A penetrated him in one go with a happy sigh. He waited a moment before going on, but B grew impatient and started moving himself while grabbing his own manhood. The pleasing growing in them was exquisite.

 

ROUND 7 : « The J moment, when everything spills over »

 

1- A couldn't take it anymore, it was so good. He exploded deep inside B's intimate place, and B followed him right away.

2- Suddenly, the pleasure was too strong, and A spilled himself inside B. B shouted, and soon after he came with his lover.

3- "B…" whispered A, his eyes rolling with pleasure. It was too much for B who came in A's hands. A followed immediately with a delighted cry.

4- "You like it?" whispered A with a hoarse voice.

"Please," B stuttered. "Deeper…"

This simple sentence was enough to set his groin on fire, and A speeded up his pace, going deeper and deeper in the moist body. And suddenly it was too much, and climax pierced through him.

 

The smut is over now, but since you're not a savage, you have to find a good ending for the fic. Go on, a D10 this time.

 

1 – Nothing happens. You're lucky. Really.

2 – They fall asleep, very happy, but only after they cleaned themselves up with a spell, 'cause well, gross, uh.

3 – "I love you." Aaaww, so cute. This is what I call a perfect ending. Not cliché at all.

4 – One of protagonist's best friend turns up. Notwithstanding them being butt naked and covered in seed, he/she immediately accepts this new love. Awww.

5 – A few weeks later, character B finds out that he's pregnant! But how is that even possible? It doesn't matter, they decide they will raise the child together with all their love.

6- Someone was spying since the beginning while jerking off. (throw a dice in the table of characters)

7- Character A wakes up with a raging boner: all of this was just a dream. So frustrating!

8- One of the protagonist's best friend turns up. But he/she is deeply homophobic and goes away disgusted and never wants to speak to them again. But it doesn't matter, 'cause our couple is in looooooooove! (bonus bashing character: +2)

9- While drowning in all those endorphins created by the orgasm, one of them take advantage of it to propose to the other who says yes, of course.

10- Tomorrow, one of the protagonists has no confront his destiny and die, but it doesn't matter, 'cause right now, they can enjoy each other one last time, one last night.

 

There, your fic is complete. But before you publish it, you have to go through the last step. Did you make typos? ('cause yeah, you're not gonna ask a beta to proof read your text, duh.) Throw a D20.

 

1 – Woa, you make no mistake, all the fandom is impressed!

2 to 4 – You make a typo for each word created by JKR and to each proper noun.

5 to 8 – Capital letter to names and at the beginning of each sentence? What for?

9 to 12 – Instead of writing "your", write "you're". And vice versa. And by the way, some time when you want to write "their", rather put "they're". Because it's fun.

13 to 16 - Time issues: put some verbs to present time, some others to past time. It's so much funnier this way.

17 to 19 - Fuck punctuation. Replace each « . » by « ! » or « … » and remove all the commas.

20- Sorry, now you have to use the phone texting language. So let's shorten all the words, and put 2 for to, 4 for for (do you get it?), u for you and all the rest!

 

If you use this generator to create your story, you can publish it on your tumblr, write it in a review, send it to me by PM, but any way, tell me. I want to see your filth. Really.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dragon and the Dragon Tamer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814206) by [Craftybadger1234](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftybadger1234/pseuds/Craftybadger1234)




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